fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
