If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he fucked my hip out of place.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
