I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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