he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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