Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
