The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
A+ Viking dick
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
