There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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