how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
