you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
