my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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