remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
