he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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