im six kinds of drunk right now
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
