I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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