Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize