the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
a search helicopter?!
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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