I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
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