what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I think people are normalizing furries
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
