Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
