I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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