while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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