I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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