Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
