Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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