You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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