So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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