I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
