nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
