just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
