apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
