No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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