I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
