I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
