you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
