No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
