You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
try to milk me bitch
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
