Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
