I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
