It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
