I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
