Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
