omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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