Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
