last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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