dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
