Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
