Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
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