The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
