yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
