I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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